We're good to go. A lot of things I'd share here are observations drawn from personal experience coaching people with relationship issues. I don't claim to be a know it all, so please feel free to disagree with me. But please don't be disagreeable while you are at it.
Relationships always come with a high tendency for conflict because of personality differences. You're both different people with different backgrounds and experiences so you are bound to see things differently which can lead to conflict.
Conflict can be anything from who does the dishes to even more serious misunderstandings.
Top 3 Reasons For Conflict
• Misalignment (Differences in values, ideals and core beliefs)
• Miscommunication
• Unmet expectations (Usually a result of unexpressed expectations)
The good thing about conflict is that they can be an opportunity to build intimacy and personal growth in the relationship for both of you. But this can only happen if you learn how to resolve them well.
Before I talk about how to resolve conflict, let me mention the 4 habits you want to avoid in your relationship. They lead straight to a break-up. They're are based on the work of Dr. John Gottman. One of the world's most renowned researchers on romantic relationships.
1. Personal Criticism: This happens when you attack your partner's person instead of their actions. E.g saying you're a selfish person vs saying you didn't buy me lunch too. The first statement focuses on the character while the second focuses on the specific action.
To ensure that personal criticism doesn't take root in your relationship, learn to start your complaints by saying "I" rather than "you". E.g I didn't feel happy that you didn't buy me lunch. Not "You didn't buy me lunch. You don't even think about other people."
2. Contempt: This is disrespectful for your partner's feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. E.g when you dismiss your partner's views in a conversation as though it was silly. Once there is contempt in a relationship, you can almost accurately predict the end is near.
If you want to stop contempt in your relationship, both of you must intentionally start the practice of expressing respect and appreciation for each other.
3. Defensiveness: This happens when either of you transfers blame to the other person when you are called out on your actions. E.g Her: "Babe you didn't call me today, what's wrong." Him: "Ehn if I didn't call you, what happened to your own phone."
If you have this habit, you have to replace it. It's not good for you guys. Learn to take responsibility for your actions or inactions. Normalize apologizing, bruh. Sis, there's nothing wrong if you say I'm sorry.
4. Stonewalling: This right here is a very dangerous habit. It's what happens when one partner shuts down emotionally and doesn't care again. You remember how she says "it's fine, just do what you want since you don't want to listen to me." That's stonewalling. Not good bros.
As the name implies, a stone wall is gradually being built up between you two and given enough blocks, you might not be able to reach others again. To prevent stonewalling, learn to take a break when tensions are high. It's okay to say "let's take a break from this convo."
So personal criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the four habits you want to avoid at all costs in your relationship. That said, let’s give a few pointers about dealing with issues when they come up.
1. Lose the need to be right: The goal is not to win an argument. You guys are on the same team here. You don't have to have the last word. P.S I'm talking to you too. I know you want to take a screenshot of this for them but it applies to both of you.
2. Learn to apologize and take responsibility for your actions: Acknowledge where you are wrong and try not to repeat them. And honestly, you don't have to understand her to hurt to apologize to her.
3. Practice active listening: That means you're not just listening to respond. You actually want to understand your partner's point of view. Ask questions like "Is this what you mean" to be sure you get what she's saying.
4. Avoid defensive listening: where you maximize the other person's fault and minimize your own. Also, don't do cross-complaining too. This is where you bring up your own complaints whenever your partner talks about theirs.
5. Avoid blanket words: As much as you can, avoid using blanket words like always, or never when you want to express a momentary complaint. E.g "You never call me" or "You always leave me waiting on a date. "
6. Never weaponize your words: You don't have to tear your partner down with words just because of this issue you're having. It's never worth it.
7. Express how you feel: When you want to complain, begin by stating how you feel. It helps to reduce tension. E.g. 'I felt like this when you did that.' Your partner gets a chance to clarify what they intended with their actions.
8. Express your expectations: Unmet expectations are a big source of issues in a relationship. And unmet expectations are usually a result of unexpressed expectations. There's a big chance that your partner doesn't know that you expect them to do certain things. Tell them.
9. Accept your partner's differences: Sometimes they have a different personality to yours. Don't try to change them to be like you. So long as those differences are not a deal-breaker for you, accept them for them.
10. Learn to forgive: Your partner will say stupid stuff they didn't mean to, do stuff they didn't intend to. Learn to forgive. There are no successful relationships that are built without forgiveness.
11. Don't run away from settling issues: Don't use sex as a means of avoiding hard discussions. It almost never ends well and it builds a lot of resentment. When your partner tables an issue, hear them out. If the timing is an issue, schedule a more convenient time.
12. Sometimes you may have to reach a temporary compromise: That's perfectly acceptable as it can help you to find a middle ground in the midst of your issues.
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